... Honking Wheezle-Fest'. Bertram turned to Salvador with a knowing gleam in his eye. "What do you say, Salvador?" he exclaimed, "This could be my chance!"

"Faaack me, guv" said Salvador, rolling his eyes, "You've got more buffalo stance (chance) of plate spinning (winning) an apples and pears lionel blairs (Lionel Blairs) looky-likey arm rest (contest) than winnin' thaaaat old crockery (mockery) of a monstrous thighs (prize)!"

Undeterred by this comment, although slightly confused that Salvador was verbalising his own ryyming slang, Bertram strolled bravely up to Annie's spiky knees. "Rrrrroll up, ya wee snotty bastard! Fur tha small amoont of 5 of ya fam'lees fingurs, you too can enter. HONK! All ye have ta doo is..."

...vineyard opening and it's happening in mae oown feminine jungle!"
Bertram and Salvador slipped on single wheeled unitards and gave chase, hacking their way through the heavy undergrowth, until they came upon an impressive gathering. They spied Annie beneath a huge banner, reading "Bronchial Vineyard - exclusive 1st prize in a...

...honked her way up Mount Kilimanjaro, geezer, using only the power of her inner knuckle hair, cor blimey guv'nor, not 'arf, um diddle diddle diddle um diddle aye..."
Bertram's eyes glazed over as Salvador began to perform his traditional Dick Van Dyke dance, gesturing oddly with his lemon meringue pie. Berty-bo was awoken from his bored reverie by a seething-hot Annie thundering past where his ear would've been (if he had one & wasn't a sad excuse for a perineum), "HONK! Git oot me wey, I noo wannae hear ye substandard musical theatre. HONK! Aye be late fur a vera important...

...the one person, the only person to help him realise his life-long ambition of opening his very own bronchial vineyard. He already had a spot picked out deep in the heart of the Feminine Jungle, and Bertram was sure with Annie's manly physique and constant honking it would be in the bag in no time!

"Don't fancy yours much" said a voice from behind accompanied by a faint whiff of coleslaw, as Salvador approached, gently nursing his nut-sack with a lemon merangue after an unfortunate roasting incident. "You'd do best to steer clear of her" he said, having suddenly become a cockney, "I heard that this one time she...

...scarred childhood. I never 'ad a perineum of me own, an' all the kids used to bully me when it were my turn at 'What's The Time Mr Perineum?' in the playground. Only the tingling sensation of this cream can make me feel like an 'ole woman".
But Annie was devoid of emotion at her friend's plight and replied "Honk Honk, I could'nee giva shite, darlin', I never had a wee perineum neither! And jus' look at me, I'm all woman! HONK!"
Bertam listened eagerly, and watched the beautiful Annie from his peripheral, perineum-vision. He could not help but wonder, dream, that she could possibly be...

...a branch of popular high street dispensing chemistry chain, Boots the chemists. He sniffed his oozing phlegm back into himself and through his clearing vision who should he spy, but popular 80s tag-team arsonists and part-time perineum-hunters, Annie Lennox & Mary Whitehouse arguing over the last, precious jar of haemorrhoid cream. Mary directed her screeching larynx towards Annie, "Oi, giz it back, I need it to fill the gaping void in my...

...hurl the soggy custard cream at rat face, severing his head. As it's life ebbed away, the rat-head's dying words echoed around Bertram's mind-brain. "Your mother's a slaaaaagg...*"
"B..but I don't know my mother," sobbed Bertram, "I don't know where I came from, or even who's perineum I am."
In his tear-fogged state, the magical, rootless perineum walked right into...

..."A large chunk of cheese" Bertram continued, Salvador left and moments later a rather famous Bucks Fizz song was blasting out across the street."No, No," complained Bertram "I mean cheddar or Stilton not Buck Fizz. Although The Fizz are great"

After this Salvador shuffled off to sort out the whole cheese confusion fiasco and left Bertram alone, when from around the corner Rat Face appeared with his wine swilling 12 year old cousin / half sister to invade another Pigglyfish tale, but Bertram being a quick thinking perineum decided to...

... supping a cool autumn bronchial wine with Salvador, the peanut-roasting dragon of all anus-to-testes tomfoolery.

"Greetings, sir" exclaimed Salvador, "would you like a biscuit?" Completely taken aback by the kindliness of this creature smelling of coleslaw, Bertram gladly accepted a custard cream and dunked away like there was no tomorrow. "You know what would go nicely with this?" said Bertram...

...gay brandy and pea vodka. As his man-brain wistfully wondered, the holy Roman perineum fairy appeared in a puff of smog and smiled evilly.
"I will grant your dream," the fairy said in an unconvincing falsetto, and with that poor Bertram lapsed into a deep sleep. When he awoke he was...

...being aggressively appeased by the friendly, neighbourhood perineum-hunting duo, Annie Lennox & failed woman, Mary Whitehouse. They would gaily brandish their appeasement knives whilst heavily rubbing their...

Millenium of the Perenium

Once upon a time, there was a magical perenium, who went by the name of Bertram. He was a sensitive soul, as pereniums are wont to be, and he spent many an hour humming "Honk, Honk, Honk, Give me some strong arms to protect me-self". As he hummed this favourite ditty of his, he would also daydream about...

Time for a ...

NEW STORY!

...a magical ovum.
"I have come to redeem your evil souls!" screeched the Pigglyfish in an odd Lou Reed fashion, "Behold the divine egg (like a bird's egg), fertilised by the royal, sub-par Shakin' Stevens impersonator, Elvis!"
With a swish of it's tail Pigglyfish vanished in a puff of wee, leaving Sue and Felicity Kendall-Barker to approach the egg with hushed awe. Felicity used her powerful lady-strength to push the ovum into Sue's lady-uterus.
Nine minutes later (the usual gestation period of a Pigglyfish) Barker-Kendall birthed a snail...a fabulously warped snail that counted an allergy to cider amongst its foibles. As he slimed his way down the bustling high street he came upon a...

PigglyFin

...incontinence!" The rivers of excessive urine washed the Megatron-façade from Sue's body and left a gleaming Miss Barker standing naked in front of the also nudey Miss Kendall. They took each other's hand and gazed at the receding waters, as they revealed the strange, shimmering apparition of the legendary Pigglyfish, who took on a strained buffalo stance and produced...

...a bag of spangly fairy dust. "Ive got no bloody idea what the hell is going on any more!" she sobbed "Nothing makes any sense, and I feel as though we have been trapped in a vortex of other people's childhood memories to which I simply cannot relate! Get yer kit off and roll around in this, maybe it will help us get back on track with our mission. Everybody knows that the secret side-effect of spangly fairy dust is...