...a dog named Megatron, salivating furiously at the sight of an exhausted Felicity. "Blimey" exclaimed Felicity, "that was unexpected, and I still feel slightly unclean from that last entry".

Megatron growled a tiny chuckle at the word "entry" before approaching Felicity and kindly licking all 19 of her toes. But things seemed a little too quiet, and something was clearly afoot.

"Something might actually, in a very real sense, be afoot" said Megatron, having just discovered the power of human speech. And afoot it was indeed, as suddenly Felicity reached into her pocket and pulled out...

...Wordsworth the dog. They sped through the dimensionally transcendental insides of the magical canine, heading ever closer to the arse-brown portal, until they found themselves tearing out of Bagpuss' gaping anus and skidding to a halt just in front of the mouse organ.
Felicity jumped out of Sue's spacious interior and posed in a Mighty Morphin' Sentai hero stance, with second to spare before Sue bellowed "Suu Baarukaa Henshin!!" and transformed into...

...with the use of his imaginary truncheon, fashioned Sue into a kind of speed boat. She shouted "Climb aboard Captain!" and Felicity did just that, got out her magical cards and began to play solitaire, for that is how the Sue 'Barking' Barker speed boat is powered, it says so in the brochure. Her engine was humming nicely, the motor blades turned at a million times a second and started throwing up deadly shards of grass into the policeman's eyes, "In your face Daddio!" the dastardly duo screamed as they flew off over the horizon and into the mouth of...

...Jamie, with his magic torch. Shocked by the dastardly duos' wanton act of snail homicide, he got out his torch, pointed it at the feet of the wicked two, it opened up the Helter-Skelter and they dropped down into Cuckoo Land.

At the bottom of the slide they were met by a policeman who appeared to be riding a unicycle, he took one look at them and ...

... Wizbit. I saw him on the telly once and I think he should be destroyed".

"I agree" said Felicity, adjusting her Jason Donovan bum-bag, "Anything that triangular and yellow must surely be evil. Come to think of it, that Bagpuss fella's always given me the willies too".

And so, trudging through the remains of the snail, Felicity and Sue set off on their quest to rid the world of slightly odd cartoon characters. Suddenly though, they were confronted by....

...a large, phallic salt-mill.
"Ha!" she unimaginatively cried (on account of only having been awake for a short while), and proceeded to grind salt all over our poor hero.
As he opened his mouth to plead for mercy, he was horrified to notice his innards spilling out of it, gooping on to the floor in an oozy mess.
"Finally!" cackled Sue and Felicity in unison, "That's got rid of the insipid snail, who so rudely got in the way of the real story, let's continue on our quest to find...

...Mikhail the trouser snake. Sue 'Barking' Barker cursed and threw the snake on the floor, and it slithered away mewling the traditional lament for the natural habitat of the pants-serpent 'I'm Sorry We Have No Bananas'.
Sue then invoked the comic law of threes by once more reaching into her fetid breeches, tugging heavily before revealing...

...handy, pocket-sized Uranium warhead. "Ooops, not that!" said Sue as she casually tossed it aside, laying waste to a large swathe of the Cheshire countryside. Without even blinking her evil, septic eyes, she continued, "This is what I meant to show you!" and after a short while of sexily rummaging around in her trousers, out popped...

...giant lolling bulb and terrifying submarinal oinks. That or it's political views, one of the two".

The snail seemed to be warming to Felicity, enjoying a rare chance to converse with a would-be captor. "If only all conflicts could be settled with intelligent thought, wouldn't the world be a nicer place?"

"That's where you're wrong, mister" said an abrupt Sue, discarding her solitaire game with a maniacal glint in her eye. "We prefer to use THESE" she cackled, before reaching into her beige dungerees and producing a...

...Pigglyfish, a strange creature of the deep that haunts my nightly dreams.
It crawls out of the mists of sleep into my subconscious mind and frightens me with its...

...a big orange burny thing,
"Climb into this, Matey..." cackled Felicity and shoved her large, bubbling vat in his face, (Sue may as well have been somewhere else, she was too busy playing solitaire), "...and all your dreams will come true!"
"Well, I'm not so sure I like the sound of that, actually" replied the snail. "My dreams are usually about...

...professional snail-hunting duo, Sue Barker and pro Russian gymnast and female impersonator, Felicity Kendall (of Rosemary & Thyme fame).
"Out of the frying implement and into the orange burny thing," the snail sighed as the hunters approached him with...

...his fairy godfather had appeared in a puff of poofs (the brown leatherette kind, not the mildly offensive euphemism for gentlemen of the interior decorating & theatrical persuasion), waved his leathery wand, and spirited poor snaily out of harms way, and directly into the path of...

fell straight into the gaping mandribbles of the Troll-Beetle, who had been contentedly preening her spiny buttocks.

"Oi" she gurgled, "you starting?" before launching her big beastie breath at Rat-Face spewing him with a slimy lack of education. Completely taken aback by the parade of softcore phlegm action being displayed, the snail watched aghast, unaware that directly behind it...

..."How dare you come to my town, I've been here all my life", the snail just laughed, he'd been there a lot longer.

Rat-Face then tried to stamp on the poor snail but slipped on its trail and...

...randy. "YEAH BABY!!" He screeched in his booming, slug-voice, and slithered off in the direction of the pub to find them. However, as he squirmed around the corner, he bumped in to Rat-Face, who was characteristically foaming at the mouth as he said...

...wonder where the frak Ian, Miche, Kelly, Kev, James and Linz (who are all snails and bear no resemblance to real people living or not so living, honest guv) were, because their input into his life's story would make him feel so...

...my bowels, and Kylie."

And with that the tiny Aussie popstar on the other end of the line sighed, told the slimy creature: "Don't bring me into your sordid fantasies!" and promptly hung up the phone.

The poor, misguided snail drooped his antennae in shame and began to...

...of Ichthyology, discussing swim bladders and the like, the parapsychologist suggested I should stop this and think more about...

myself. It was them wot dun it; well at least thats what I told the parapsychologist as I performed the act right there on his couch. At the height of this most depraved of acts ...

...the pear in the ashtray. It would come to me in my dreams, whispering strangely alluring and eerie words of wisdom, before vanishing in a puff of green smoke. I began to yearn for those dreams and those nights, they made me feel...

... a parapsychologist. This is because I realised I was a complete nutter, and also permanently haunted by the mysterious ghost of...

...cloth. Can there be no more beauteous act of creation than to birth the perfect anal log. But as a metaphorical gesture, paralleling my stifling environment, I denied myself this creative act in a monumental effort of self-denial.
Eventually though, I got a bit backed up and needed treatment, so I went to...

... absolutely no opportunites for a soul so creative as mine to break forth and allow my sensitive emotions to be nurtured. So instead I took to touching....

...many miles away, a long time ago in a age when many different animal roamed.
In this land there were...

...Kylie, who told him in her seductively girlish voice, "Confide in me". So he started to tell her his life story.
"When I was born...

...telephone. He caressed the keys lightly, then vigorously hammered in a number.
He waited impatiently for a response, but soon the call was answered by ...

A Tale Of Three Ovaries

Once upon a time there was a fabulously warped snail that counted an allergy to cider amongst its foibles. As he slimed his way down the bustling high street he came upon a...