...fulfil your destiny. Go on, do it!!"
"Oh, for God's sake" whined Bertram, "This is bloody dragging on something chronic".
"Too bloody right, Gov'ner!" Salvador agreed, remembering his cockney accent after what felt like years of silence.
But Horicina had another thing to say...

"HONK"

... and with that, she morphed into her true form, Jay-Aston-wannabe: Annie Lennox!

"HONK HONK! OCH AYE! You were the only one who could be bothered to search for your destiny HONK! And now I shall reward you with the greatest prize of all! You shall bestowed the honour of being the King of my feminine, bronchial vineyard jungle thing HONK! Oh aye! Come to Mamma, my little one!"

After such an uninteresting, and unscottish speech, Bertram could do nothing but sob his thanks to Annie, and live happily ever after as her weeping perineum.

However, what happened to Salvador is another story...

THE END

...Horacina's reconstituted beak.
Quickly, Bertram and Salvador bellowed honk songs until the duck relented.
"I am defeated, but completion of the Honking Wheezle-Fest you are taking part in, involves you listening to me tell you how to run a vineyard. So I will and you will win the Honking Wheezle-Fest, even if you do brush your teeth for less minutes per day than I, " he/she said, transsexually. "For there appears to be no other contestants."
"So to run a bronchial vineyard, you must..."

I know it's not my turn, but since nobody else can be bothered:

..."Pee on my Leg and tell ME it's raining!" This they thusly did so, sir, and went on their merry way, holding hands and tap-dancing the tune to Neighbours. These actions just so happened to be the exact instructions for the spell of communing with deceased poultry, as detailed on page 5096 of 'Duck Acorah's Mystical Recipes of the Dead'. Just as they reached the bit where Madge's window gets broken by an errant cricket ball, their bleeding eyes were confronted with...

...accidently (so they say) ran over Horacina the Transsexual Duck, smashing her beak into 593 pieces.

At which point the insipid snail appeared out of everywhere & proclaimed: "Do not fear for I will impart you with important knowledge far beyond the secrets of this mutilated duck. Once upon a ti..." but before he could finish his wearisome sentence, Bertrum & Salvador came over each other in berserk rage, hacked the snail into 593 bite-sized pieces & gorged themselves on his squishy innards.

They were promptly arrested by the Mollusc Police & taken to court where the behorny-wigged Judge Judy sentenced them to...

to fulfill your Bronchial Vineyard dream, is go and find Horacina the Transsexual Duck. She will tell you the secrets of successfully running a Bronchial Vineyard. HONK! but there are certain things you must know about this strange creature. HONK! HONK!"

She is a solitary creature and she uses her quack power to disorientate her enemies. HONK! to placate her you need to sing to her some of my greatest hits. HONK! HONK! HONK!"

So Bertram and Salvador trundled off on their unitards and with Annie's wise words and HONKING resonating in their ears they...

... Honking Wheezle-Fest'. Bertram turned to Salvador with a knowing gleam in his eye. "What do you say, Salvador?" he exclaimed, "This could be my chance!"

"Faaack me, guv" said Salvador, rolling his eyes, "You've got more buffalo stance (chance) of plate spinning (winning) an apples and pears lionel blairs (Lionel Blairs) looky-likey arm rest (contest) than winnin' thaaaat old crockery (mockery) of a monstrous thighs (prize)!"

Undeterred by this comment, although slightly confused that Salvador was verbalising his own ryyming slang, Bertram strolled bravely up to Annie's spiky knees. "Rrrrroll up, ya wee snotty bastard! Fur tha small amoont of 5 of ya fam'lees fingurs, you too can enter. HONK! All ye have ta doo is..."

...vineyard opening and it's happening in mae oown feminine jungle!"
Bertram and Salvador slipped on single wheeled unitards and gave chase, hacking their way through the heavy undergrowth, until they came upon an impressive gathering. They spied Annie beneath a huge banner, reading "Bronchial Vineyard - exclusive 1st prize in a...

...honked her way up Mount Kilimanjaro, geezer, using only the power of her inner knuckle hair, cor blimey guv'nor, not 'arf, um diddle diddle diddle um diddle aye..."
Bertram's eyes glazed over as Salvador began to perform his traditional Dick Van Dyke dance, gesturing oddly with his lemon meringue pie. Berty-bo was awoken from his bored reverie by a seething-hot Annie thundering past where his ear would've been (if he had one & wasn't a sad excuse for a perineum), "HONK! Git oot me wey, I noo wannae hear ye substandard musical theatre. HONK! Aye be late fur a vera important...

...the one person, the only person to help him realise his life-long ambition of opening his very own bronchial vineyard. He already had a spot picked out deep in the heart of the Feminine Jungle, and Bertram was sure with Annie's manly physique and constant honking it would be in the bag in no time!

"Don't fancy yours much" said a voice from behind accompanied by a faint whiff of coleslaw, as Salvador approached, gently nursing his nut-sack with a lemon merangue after an unfortunate roasting incident. "You'd do best to steer clear of her" he said, having suddenly become a cockney, "I heard that this one time she...

...scarred childhood. I never 'ad a perineum of me own, an' all the kids used to bully me when it were my turn at 'What's The Time Mr Perineum?' in the playground. Only the tingling sensation of this cream can make me feel like an 'ole woman".
But Annie was devoid of emotion at her friend's plight and replied "Honk Honk, I could'nee giva shite, darlin', I never had a wee perineum neither! And jus' look at me, I'm all woman! HONK!"
Bertam listened eagerly, and watched the beautiful Annie from his peripheral, perineum-vision. He could not help but wonder, dream, that she could possibly be...

...a branch of popular high street dispensing chemistry chain, Boots the chemists. He sniffed his oozing phlegm back into himself and through his clearing vision who should he spy, but popular 80s tag-team arsonists and part-time perineum-hunters, Annie Lennox & Mary Whitehouse arguing over the last, precious jar of haemorrhoid cream. Mary directed her screeching larynx towards Annie, "Oi, giz it back, I need it to fill the gaping void in my...

...hurl the soggy custard cream at rat face, severing his head. As it's life ebbed away, the rat-head's dying words echoed around Bertram's mind-brain. "Your mother's a slaaaaagg...*"
"B..but I don't know my mother," sobbed Bertram, "I don't know where I came from, or even who's perineum I am."
In his tear-fogged state, the magical, rootless perineum walked right into...

..."A large chunk of cheese" Bertram continued, Salvador left and moments later a rather famous Bucks Fizz song was blasting out across the street."No, No," complained Bertram "I mean cheddar or Stilton not Buck Fizz. Although The Fizz are great"

After this Salvador shuffled off to sort out the whole cheese confusion fiasco and left Bertram alone, when from around the corner Rat Face appeared with his wine swilling 12 year old cousin / half sister to invade another Pigglyfish tale, but Bertram being a quick thinking perineum decided to...

... supping a cool autumn bronchial wine with Salvador, the peanut-roasting dragon of all anus-to-testes tomfoolery.

"Greetings, sir" exclaimed Salvador, "would you like a biscuit?" Completely taken aback by the kindliness of this creature smelling of coleslaw, Bertram gladly accepted a custard cream and dunked away like there was no tomorrow. "You know what would go nicely with this?" said Bertram...

...gay brandy and pea vodka. As his man-brain wistfully wondered, the holy Roman perineum fairy appeared in a puff of smog and smiled evilly.
"I will grant your dream," the fairy said in an unconvincing falsetto, and with that poor Bertram lapsed into a deep sleep. When he awoke he was...

...being aggressively appeased by the friendly, neighbourhood perineum-hunting duo, Annie Lennox & failed woman, Mary Whitehouse. They would gaily brandish their appeasement knives whilst heavily rubbing their...

Millenium of the Perenium

Once upon a time, there was a magical perenium, who went by the name of Bertram. He was a sensitive soul, as pereniums are wont to be, and he spent many an hour humming "Honk, Honk, Honk, Give me some strong arms to protect me-self". As he hummed this favourite ditty of his, he would also daydream about...

Time for a ...

NEW STORY!

...a magical ovum.
"I have come to redeem your evil souls!" screeched the Pigglyfish in an odd Lou Reed fashion, "Behold the divine egg (like a bird's egg), fertilised by the royal, sub-par Shakin' Stevens impersonator, Elvis!"
With a swish of it's tail Pigglyfish vanished in a puff of wee, leaving Sue and Felicity Kendall-Barker to approach the egg with hushed awe. Felicity used her powerful lady-strength to push the ovum into Sue's lady-uterus.
Nine minutes later (the usual gestation period of a Pigglyfish) Barker-Kendall birthed a snail...a fabulously warped snail that counted an allergy to cider amongst its foibles. As he slimed his way down the bustling high street he came upon a...

PigglyFin

...incontinence!" The rivers of excessive urine washed the Megatron-façade from Sue's body and left a gleaming Miss Barker standing naked in front of the also nudey Miss Kendall. They took each other's hand and gazed at the receding waters, as they revealed the strange, shimmering apparition of the legendary Pigglyfish, who took on a strained buffalo stance and produced...

...a bag of spangly fairy dust. "Ive got no bloody idea what the hell is going on any more!" she sobbed "Nothing makes any sense, and I feel as though we have been trapped in a vortex of other people's childhood memories to which I simply cannot relate! Get yer kit off and roll around in this, maybe it will help us get back on track with our mission. Everybody knows that the secret side-effect of spangly fairy dust is...

...a dog named Megatron, salivating furiously at the sight of an exhausted Felicity. "Blimey" exclaimed Felicity, "that was unexpected, and I still feel slightly unclean from that last entry".

Megatron growled a tiny chuckle at the word "entry" before approaching Felicity and kindly licking all 19 of her toes. But things seemed a little too quiet, and something was clearly afoot.

"Something might actually, in a very real sense, be afoot" said Megatron, having just discovered the power of human speech. And afoot it was indeed, as suddenly Felicity reached into her pocket and pulled out...

...Wordsworth the dog. They sped through the dimensionally transcendental insides of the magical canine, heading ever closer to the arse-brown portal, until they found themselves tearing out of Bagpuss' gaping anus and skidding to a halt just in front of the mouse organ.
Felicity jumped out of Sue's spacious interior and posed in a Mighty Morphin' Sentai hero stance, with second to spare before Sue bellowed "Suu Baarukaa Henshin!!" and transformed into...

...with the use of his imaginary truncheon, fashioned Sue into a kind of speed boat. She shouted "Climb aboard Captain!" and Felicity did just that, got out her magical cards and began to play solitaire, for that is how the Sue 'Barking' Barker speed boat is powered, it says so in the brochure. Her engine was humming nicely, the motor blades turned at a million times a second and started throwing up deadly shards of grass into the policeman's eyes, "In your face Daddio!" the dastardly duo screamed as they flew off over the horizon and into the mouth of...

...Jamie, with his magic torch. Shocked by the dastardly duos' wanton act of snail homicide, he got out his torch, pointed it at the feet of the wicked two, it opened up the Helter-Skelter and they dropped down into Cuckoo Land.

At the bottom of the slide they were met by a policeman who appeared to be riding a unicycle, he took one look at them and ...

... Wizbit. I saw him on the telly once and I think he should be destroyed".

"I agree" said Felicity, adjusting her Jason Donovan bum-bag, "Anything that triangular and yellow must surely be evil. Come to think of it, that Bagpuss fella's always given me the willies too".

And so, trudging through the remains of the snail, Felicity and Sue set off on their quest to rid the world of slightly odd cartoon characters. Suddenly though, they were confronted by....

...a large, phallic salt-mill.
"Ha!" she unimaginatively cried (on account of only having been awake for a short while), and proceeded to grind salt all over our poor hero.
As he opened his mouth to plead for mercy, he was horrified to notice his innards spilling out of it, gooping on to the floor in an oozy mess.
"Finally!" cackled Sue and Felicity in unison, "That's got rid of the insipid snail, who so rudely got in the way of the real story, let's continue on our quest to find...

...Mikhail the trouser snake. Sue 'Barking' Barker cursed and threw the snake on the floor, and it slithered away mewling the traditional lament for the natural habitat of the pants-serpent 'I'm Sorry We Have No Bananas'.
Sue then invoked the comic law of threes by once more reaching into her fetid breeches, tugging heavily before revealing...

...handy, pocket-sized Uranium warhead. "Ooops, not that!" said Sue as she casually tossed it aside, laying waste to a large swathe of the Cheshire countryside. Without even blinking her evil, septic eyes, she continued, "This is what I meant to show you!" and after a short while of sexily rummaging around in her trousers, out popped...

...giant lolling bulb and terrifying submarinal oinks. That or it's political views, one of the two".

The snail seemed to be warming to Felicity, enjoying a rare chance to converse with a would-be captor. "If only all conflicts could be settled with intelligent thought, wouldn't the world be a nicer place?"

"That's where you're wrong, mister" said an abrupt Sue, discarding her solitaire game with a maniacal glint in her eye. "We prefer to use THESE" she cackled, before reaching into her beige dungerees and producing a...

...Pigglyfish, a strange creature of the deep that haunts my nightly dreams.
It crawls out of the mists of sleep into my subconscious mind and frightens me with its...

...a big orange burny thing,
"Climb into this, Matey..." cackled Felicity and shoved her large, bubbling vat in his face, (Sue may as well have been somewhere else, she was too busy playing solitaire), "...and all your dreams will come true!"
"Well, I'm not so sure I like the sound of that, actually" replied the snail. "My dreams are usually about...

...professional snail-hunting duo, Sue Barker and pro Russian gymnast and female impersonator, Felicity Kendall (of Rosemary & Thyme fame).
"Out of the frying implement and into the orange burny thing," the snail sighed as the hunters approached him with...

...his fairy godfather had appeared in a puff of poofs (the brown leatherette kind, not the mildly offensive euphemism for gentlemen of the interior decorating & theatrical persuasion), waved his leathery wand, and spirited poor snaily out of harms way, and directly into the path of...

fell straight into the gaping mandribbles of the Troll-Beetle, who had been contentedly preening her spiny buttocks.

"Oi" she gurgled, "you starting?" before launching her big beastie breath at Rat-Face spewing him with a slimy lack of education. Completely taken aback by the parade of softcore phlegm action being displayed, the snail watched aghast, unaware that directly behind it...

..."How dare you come to my town, I've been here all my life", the snail just laughed, he'd been there a lot longer.

Rat-Face then tried to stamp on the poor snail but slipped on its trail and...

...randy. "YEAH BABY!!" He screeched in his booming, slug-voice, and slithered off in the direction of the pub to find them. However, as he squirmed around the corner, he bumped in to Rat-Face, who was characteristically foaming at the mouth as he said...

...wonder where the frak Ian, Miche, Kelly, Kev, James and Linz (who are all snails and bear no resemblance to real people living or not so living, honest guv) were, because their input into his life's story would make him feel so...

...my bowels, and Kylie."

And with that the tiny Aussie popstar on the other end of the line sighed, told the slimy creature: "Don't bring me into your sordid fantasies!" and promptly hung up the phone.

The poor, misguided snail drooped his antennae in shame and began to...

...of Ichthyology, discussing swim bladders and the like, the parapsychologist suggested I should stop this and think more about...

myself. It was them wot dun it; well at least thats what I told the parapsychologist as I performed the act right there on his couch. At the height of this most depraved of acts ...

...the pear in the ashtray. It would come to me in my dreams, whispering strangely alluring and eerie words of wisdom, before vanishing in a puff of green smoke. I began to yearn for those dreams and those nights, they made me feel...

... a parapsychologist. This is because I realised I was a complete nutter, and also permanently haunted by the mysterious ghost of...

...cloth. Can there be no more beauteous act of creation than to birth the perfect anal log. But as a metaphorical gesture, paralleling my stifling environment, I denied myself this creative act in a monumental effort of self-denial.
Eventually though, I got a bit backed up and needed treatment, so I went to...

... absolutely no opportunites for a soul so creative as mine to break forth and allow my sensitive emotions to be nurtured. So instead I took to touching....

...many miles away, a long time ago in a age when many different animal roamed.
In this land there were...

...Kylie, who told him in her seductively girlish voice, "Confide in me". So he started to tell her his life story.
"When I was born...

...telephone. He caressed the keys lightly, then vigorously hammered in a number.
He waited impatiently for a response, but soon the call was answered by ...

A Tale Of Three Ovaries

Once upon a time there was a fabulously warped snail that counted an allergy to cider amongst its foibles. As he slimed his way down the bustling high street he came upon a...